I recently struck up a conversation with, of all people, a guy selling rubber mops at a home show. You just never know where you’ll find your next gem and this guy had one that really made me think.

He told me a business story, and the point or moral of the story was that he believed that people are born with traits that we refer to as their “character,” and they get to die with those same traits. That statement made me pause and think. I knew I disagreed with him, but it took me a little while to get my thoughts in order. That’s one thing I love about having conversations with people whose opinions differ from mine, I get to get my mental ducks in order and really think deeply about a given subject. As I ran his statement through my filters, two questions came up for me: One, are you actually born with your character? The second, is that all there is to it? Or do you add to and delete from your character as you go along?

As far as the “born with it” goes, I believe character is something that develops in our rearing and holds strong there until life makes us change. I know for myself that my father and mother were character models for me, but I lacked the maturity early in my adulthood to follow in their footsteps. As I became a man and observed other men, I began to develop my own character. I also discovered that I have to draw rigid lines in the sand that I don’t cross when temptation strikes. Those lines do a good job of keeping me in line because an ego is a powerful thing and mine can be pretty sneaky.

In response to “what you get to die with,” I believe my higher power, which I choose to call God, will ask me three things when I stand before him. Those are as follows: Did you love? Did you learn? Did you live life with joy? Character, and the good and bad traits within it, falls in the “learn” category for me. I believe a poor character trait will always rear its ugly head for us to clearly see. When we deal with it, what ever form “dealing with it” takes, we learn. Unsettled shame is one that pops up for me from time to time when I’ve crossed my lines. The only way I see to step forward from this natural, consequential clue is to make amends to those I’ve harmed and make a commitment to change so that it doesn’t happen again.

In the world of business, I don’t expect perfection of myself or others, but what I do expect is good character. One of the best indications of that character is how people handle themselves when things are going wrong, not when they are going right. The juice of intimacy in business is on the other end of the tough stuff. It’s resolution to poor choices or hard circumstances that becomes the glue for long lasting business relationships. All involved need strong character to make this possible.